An Astonishing Amount of Vomit...

DISCLAIMER: If talking about puking, throwing up, spewing, up-chucking or anything like that makes you queezy, don't read this!!!

Ok, so here I was all glad that I'd kept my distance from the sickies, thus lessening my chances of getting that nasty bug myself, then last night at about ten thirty I stopped Briana from hugging me because my stomach felt just a little bit... different. It didn't feel bad at all, just strange. So, I thought "Ok, just in case this is that junk the Kestners have I'm gonna nab it in the butt!" So I got myself some vitamin C, some Golden Seal-Echinacea Complex and my secret, Mexican style digestive track purifying medicine. That just happens to be a small/medium sized pickled jalapeno. I figure the PH balance in those puppies is enough to burn off any sort of bacteria or virus, right? Yeah... That jalapeno was a bit of a mistake. :S At 1:30 am I wake up. I realize that all my efforts of keeping my back covered were in vain.

You know that feeling that tells you "If you run right now you can make it to the bathroom in time"? Well, I got that feeling. So I stood up from the couch where I was sleeping to run to the bathroom and I took about two steps when the first wave of vomit came up. I think I did pretty good about keeping that all in my mouth, but at that point ALL I could think about was "get on the back deck, NOW!" I don't know why I didn't think of going to the bathroom like I was when I got off the couch, but you know, whatever. So half-way between the couch and the door I get another wave. Somehow that one miraculously gets swallowed again. I got to the door with the first wave still in my mouth, burning from the jalapeno, and could not open it for the life of me! You'd think that after living here since August I could get the back door open, but not until the third wave came up! This one I couldn't contain, unfortunately... It spewed out all over the door. It got on the windows, it got in the cracks of the doors, it got on the handle and lock, it got all over my hands and poured down onto my feet, the rug and into the vent... So... NASTY! So, I got the door open and before I could get to the railing I spewed again, all over the deck. That one got all over my feet, too. Oh, and it was freezing outside!!! So I got to the railing and leaned over for three more spewings that were each just as big as the first two. Then I had a couple more little ones after that, but it was finally over.

I had to wash my feet, my hands, wash the puke out of my whiskers - oh, by the way, it was in the whiskers on my upper lip, too, because when I was trying to keep my mouth closed it came out my nose first... Then did my best to clean and sanitize the mess inside. My puke on the deck froze, so I couldn't clean that. I went up and brushed my teeth and Mom came down to finish up what I'm sure I missed. So now the house smells like puke and I threw up more food in one stint than ever in my entire life before, which is really impressive, considering there was a solid month of my mission where I threw up at least twice each day, sometimes four or five times in one day. Considering that all went for a month solid, and each time I spewed tonight was just as big as any vomiting session in that entire month, it was a lot of puke. Quite frankly, I'm impressed with the amount of spewage that flew last night. Lol!

Anyways, I'm already starting to feel a little better, evinced by the fact that I haven't puked on my keyboard from talking about this. ;) Maybe that jalapeno did a better job than I initially thought. :)

P.S. - All this has caused me to change my vote on my poll from zombie midgets, that are probably the creepiest thing in the world, to Drew's incessant puking and diarrhea.

Poll Time!

Hey! I just discovered the poll taking thingy on blogger. It's on the left side of the screen. Be sure and vote!

The Wonderful Justice System of the State of Utah... Yeah, Right!

So, this is an explanation of my many troubles with the justice system here, where "all is well in Zion." Which, in the sense that Utahans use it is actually in Missouri, not Salt Lake City... Anyways, here we go!

So, this all started back on August 16th, 2008. I had been back from my mission for two months and two days. I had been on my way home from church in another ward (yes, it had to do with a girl, but that's history and generally... uninteresting) and was rushing home on some back roads to be there in time for dinner with my Grandpa McClurg and the Kestners there. To answer your more than obvious question pertaining to my reputation, yes, I was speeding. Admittedly, I was speeding more for the joy of it, rather than of necessity to hurry. I came around a corner and gunned it onto the next road and just as I was peaking out at the speed I usually contained myself to on that road I see him. It's a black and white Dodge Charger with a grill guard or ramming bar, depending on how you look at it, with a little teeny bar on the top that looks like overhead lights. I started pulling over even before HE hit his brakes.

So, he whips around and flips on his lights and pulls me over. He was pretty grumpy. Probably because he was bored and had to work on a Sunday. I get a ticket. Well, to skip a few steps, I walk into court later on to take the hit for speeding and prove that I had insurance at the time I was pulled over. I get my proof to the judge that I had insurance and pay over $100 for going ten over. I was pretty bitter about that big of a fine for speeding by such a measly degree. The important part is that the driving with no insurance charge was dismissed. Everything's peachy, right? WRONG!

Later on I get in an accident picking up something from wal-mart and hitting a patch of gravel and dirt. I ended up slamming on my breaks when I started losing traction and conveniently, as things tend to go for me, both my back tires catch big, fat rocks underneath them, just lifting enough rubber off the ground to make my traction even worse. My tail end slips out and hit this poor guy in his truck. I was really glad he was in a truck so that he wasn't hurt. I smacked my head on my window, but it didn't break - the window nor my head - so I was ok. Now, I didn't have my proof of insurance in my car. Not good. BUT, they took my policy number that I got from calling my dad, ran it up and it all checked out, so the ticket I got for that was pretty retarded. The guy had his truck fixed within a week. Everything else checked out just fine. Except that the ticket I got also included improper lane travel. That was pretty lame. I should have sued Wal-Mart for not cleaning up the mess that caused the accident in the first place.

So... I honestly can't remember what happened with court on that one... I don't know what to tell you. What I DO remember is that I was going to be late for work on a Saturday morning back in April, '09, just after I visited Washington. So I sped. I got caught, too. So the highway patrolman pulls me over and gets my information, blah, blah, blah. I noticed he seemed to be taking longer than they normally take to print out a speeding ticket just as another highway patrol car pulled up behind the first guy. They both get out and walk up on either side of my car. Turns out I had not one, but two warrants for my arrest. I ask the cop what the warrants are for and he said, remember this part, "unpaid speeding tickets." I told him "Uh... that's not right. I don't have any unpaid speeding tickets." He tells me that his system told him that so it must be accurate and that he was arresting me. So, of course he roughs me up and brings me down-town where a new-looking deputy cops a feel between my legs to make sure I don't have a knife hiding down in that ever-so-sensitive region(the other cops found like three while they were searching my car, lol). After being searched I go into this common room with all the other criminals of Davis County. Well, the ones that got caught, anyway.

I surrender my possessions and get my prints and mug taken. I go back to the desk and ask them what my warrants were for, since I don't have any speeding tickets I didn't pay. They, of course, tell me unpaid speeding tickets. They let me have my cell to get all the numbers I need to call. They told me to get all the numbers I need, since they won't let me at my phone after that. I chose my dad's cell and my boss' cell. Dad for help, boss so that I don't get fired. I go to the phones and try both numbers, but neither one works. So, I went back to one of the officers and ask him about it. He asks me "well are you calling a cell phone?" "Yeah..." "Well you can't call a cell phone." "Well you guys didn't say anything about cell phones not working. Can I see my phone again to get a land line number?" He tells me that they told me I couldn't look at it after the first time. I argued that they should have told me cell phones didn't work and another officer says "Yeah, that's why you write down like twenty numbers." ...retards...

Anyway, after probably frightening several people in the process of trying to guess my home phone number I got a hold of my dad and he worked some angles to post bail so that I don't spend Easter in jail over "unpaid speeding tickets." I get out, get my stuff back, take one last look at the biggest box of doughnuts I've ever seen to this day, and get some paperwork. Now, do you think the paperwork states that my warrants were for unpaid speeding tickets? Nope!!! Guess what? It's for driving with no insurance. Both of them. After being told twice, by two cops from two different departments the wrong thing, I have lost all faith that it is required to be able to read and write English to be in law enforcement in the state of Utah.

So, I got out of the county jail, thanks to the string-pulling of my dad and call my boss. He laughed at me and my co-workers all pulled up the county site and looked at my mug-shot. Great times, lol! So, I go to two different courts, one in Clinton, where that accident happened to show proof of insurance and one in Clearfield for being arrested. I got clearance papers from Clinton to take to the Driver License Division to clear a suspended Utah drivers license. Strange thing is, I never got a Utah license. How did they suspend it if it doesn't exist? The warrants are taken care of.

So, I then make my merry way on down to the DLD to get that non-existent Utah license not-suspended. I hand them the paperwork I got and they work with it for a bit. Guess what? That's not where the suspended license came from. Can you guess where it came from? You're right!!! It's from that ticket back in August, '08! Happy day! The court had apparently requested that a "skeleton driver license" be created for me so that they could suspend my license. I called the court house. Got no help. Called every week for the first month after the DLD, and once a month after that. Apparently no one can help me. I got everything from "That's not in our system" to "I see it, but we never requested the creation of the skeletal record" to "I'm sorry, but you have to take care of that with the DLD."

So, Christmas rolls around the corner and I get some money from my mom and dad that isn't allowed to be used for bills. I decided to get a game system with it. I went to buy it from the kid that listed it on craigs list and on my way home with Briana, I bet you didn't see this coming, I get a ticket for driving with a suspended license. Deputy Bhuler doesn't buy my story, apparently. BUT! I got lucky a week or so later. I got in touch with the head clerk for the Syracuse City Court House, the court that suspended my quasi license. Her name was Jody and she was GREAT! I spoke to her on a Friday and she actually called the DLD on the following Monday to clear up the mistake that the court made. She then called my back to tell me the suspended license is gone, yea!

Now comes court in the City of South Ogden, where I got the last ticket. I can not tell you how jacked up this court is. So... White... Trash. The bailiff is talking about his 4WD truck and how he was fixing it and the benefits of some country thing, and the judge is half reclining in his chair up on the stand, deferring everything to the prosecuting attorney, including the sentencing of those that are found or plead guilty. It was all so wrong, and trust me, I know court rooms by now. Lol! So I get to talk to the attorney in private and he tells me that he wants something from the DLD stating that on the date I got the ticket I did not have a suspended license, in order to dismiss the charge.

So I end up getting to the DLD and their policy prohibits them from giving me absolutely anything that would even remotely help with my case. Just as a side-note, I had heard that people were waiting for hours to get help there lately, so I took a cane I had from when I hurt my knee pretty bad for sympathy. One lady had been there for an hour and a half and ended up having to leave without being helped. I only had to wait for like 8 minutes, if that. It was great! Worked like a charm! Anyways, they couldn't help. Thus, I turn to trusty Jody in Syracuse. She gets me a copy of the docket, showing that the insurance charge was dismissed, meaning that there should never have been a suspended license.

So I went back to court yesterday and spoke with the same prosecuting attorney. I remind him of what my story was and showed him the docket, which he read. Now this part's good:

Prosecuting Attorney: "I'd be worried if I were you."

Me: "I'm not worried at all."

Prosecuting Attorney: "Well, this isn't proof that your license wasn't suspended, it's only evidence."

Me: "Well, on the sheet I was given before signing in today, one of my rights that is listed is that I am 'assumed innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.' With this docket being the only evidence I can legally provide to the court I think that makes it your responsibility to prove that what I've told you is wrong. I'm not worried at all."

Prosecuting Attorney: (Looks over court docket second time.) "You know, I think we can take care of you today."

So we went back into the court room and he tells the judge that he's going to dismiss the charge. I was so darn happy, I wanted to dance! It was great. Anyways, the whole point of this story is that I hate Utah, specifically the sub-standard justice system here, but it all worked out in the end. It is such a relief to finally have all this worked out and taken care of. So good luck to everyone out there in their endeavors of not getting messed over by this "great" state! Hope you come out on top like me, but with much less work than I needed to do! And in the words of the governor's ad campaign, my name is Joel Norman and "I believe in Utah!" Hahaha!!! So lame...